“Why don’t you write something nice for a change?”
That’s what she said.
And he said.
And hell, even I used to say – until I realized that I didn’t like nice and pleasant stories. They’re bland and uninteresting and at best they’re useful for teaching young children how to read. .
But what the hell. Let’s give it a shot. I’ll do my best to tell a pleasant story.
v This is where the story begins.
There once was a rabbit. No, let’s make him a white bunny. And fluffy and cute. But let’s not give him a name because a name implies too much and anyway, it doesn’t matter what he’s called because the first thing you say when you see him is “awww” and his mother never would have named him that because rabbits can’t make that sound in the first place.
The bunny was sitting in the middle of a meadow. There were a few trees here and there. The sun was shining, There was a light breeze and a river sparkling in the distance. The bunny had just eaten. It was… pleasant. All of a sudden the wind shifted and the bunny shot up, alert. His cute little nose wiggled and his chubby tailed twitched. “But, what is this?” you may ask. “But you said this was going to be a nice story,” you may argue.
It is. Get your mind out of the gutters. The bunny did not smell the alarming scent of a wolf, or a tiger, or fox. He did not see a hawk or hear a gun. No, for this is a nice story. And in this story, the bunny does not have to worry about fate which troubles all cute things in a world. For normally, a cute thing exists until it is found out and then others seek to possess, burn, screw… or otherwise take control of it.
No, the bunny had merely smelled a particular flower that it liked. It hopped off to sniff it out.
On it’s way, it passed 2 humans sitting under a tree. One was male and the other female. They were sitting there and there was a bottle of wine and a basket of cheese and fruit. And that’s all you need to know about them. Perhaps they have names. And perhaps they were holding hands. But I’m not going to tell you if they were holding hands. Because what if they’re holding hands and there’s a jealous lover or they’re just about to break up. Or maybe he is the butler and he actually did it but the chef helped him escape.
In anycase, I shan’t be telling you if they’re holding hands. And certaintly not what their names are.
The bunny hopped on until it found the flowers.
And the sun was warm and it ate them.
^ This is where the story ends.
You should stop reading now. That was a very pleasant story and really, the goal has been accomplished. Those of you who do not wish to see your dreams shattered should go.
Now.
Now, for those of you that stayed, lets be done with this farce and give the story it’s real ending.
The bunny ate the flowers. And actually the bunny had a name, but it was still really unimportant because just then, the female human, whose went by Mary-Lou, caught the bunny and started cuddling him. The bunny was caught so easily because it was a bunny, not a rabbit and no one had yet taught it fear. She brought it back to her husband, Dan and they cuddled it together.Their last name was Smith … and not that it matters because their names were both false since they were taking it on the lam from the cops.
And then it got late and since they were hungry, they went home and took the bunny with them. But they’d forgotten to go shopping so Dan put his foot down and Mary-Lou relented, and soon they had bunny stew. Except Dan couldn’t cook and Mary-Lou didn’t help him so they both spent the night in the bathroom.
Which really didn’t help when the bounty hunter found them and burst in through the back door. Mary-Lou tried to shoot him, but couldn’t aim cause of cramps and her gun got shot out of her hand. And Dan heard his wife scream but couldn’t go help her because his diarreah was quite explosive actually. And the bounty hunter got quite a chuckle when he walked in and cracked jokes about catching him “with his pants down.”
And then he tied them up and walked them to the car. And on the way out he noticed some delicious stew… and packed it up to eat along the way.