Suicide for the Masses

Posted by | March 04, 2010 | ITP, Softness of Things | One Comment

The Suicide Package

For those in dire need of relief from life. If you’re going to do it. Do it right.

Nothing is more pitiful than a failed suicide. There are many reasons for wanting to kill yourself. And just about as many ways to do it. However, why then, do so many people fail at it? Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of what comes after. Our product is designed to help.

When you send us your information, we create a customized package that caters to all of your needs.

First of all we erase the fear. Contained in the box is a set of legal documents accompanied with a set of simple instructions in order to set your worldy affairs in order. Confused by the word beneficiary? Not sure who’ll take care of your kids? Funeral arrangements? Don’t worry. 15 minutes will set your mind at ease.

Also contained in the box is a set of custom engraved pens and ultra fine parchment for writing a suicide note. We’ve also included a small dictionary of key phrases in order to help stimulate your mind while writing. Like, “goodbye sweet prince” or “avast ye world.”

Location, location, location. We will scout out and recommend prime locations (if you’re not doing it in your own home) for the act. Privacy garunteed and chances of been found vary, depending on your preferences.

For the deed itself we’ve included a wide range of options. Based on your pre-filled questionairre we will include options for swift and silent, long and painful, messy and cruel, and far more. We aim to please! Assassins are also available should you choose to take matters out of your own hands. Just give us a call.

Example Kit

For a 16 year old male from north new hampshire.

  • Will
  • Suicide Note
  • 3 sample suicide notes, quoting famous writers of the 16th century
  • Bubble Bath, lavender
  • Candles, black, unscented
  • Bloodletter Knife, serrated
  • Topical Anesthesia
  • Instructions on capturing streaming video and automatically uploading to youtube.
  • Data Erasure Toolkit

One Comment

  • Gilbert says:

    I want to die quick and painless. On my suicide note I only want to write I’m sorry. Help me

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